Cuz's Blog

Not very consistent with the entries to this blog, but I do still visit and read some of what others are posting. I even felt compelled to post a reply or two recently. I don't know what to put in a blog. I don't seem to find enough of my life that would be of interest to anyone. Heck, it even bores me most of the time. Ever tried to just get away? Even from yourself? I'm not talking the big "S" word here! I'm not so bored as to want to end my life because there are times I really enjoy it. There are just those nerve rattling days when it seems you are not hitting on all cylinders (if anyone even remember that old saying) and everything tries to fall apart because you aren't handling things with your normal prowess. Still though, on most days I find there are many things to get my brain cells kicking. Blogging is just a hard one for me. I neither like trying to write things that sound as though I am trying to make my chattering sound like that of a published writer or for that matter unpublished. I don't want to have to get the dictionary out to make or read the most recent posts. Then I, doggone for certain, get tired of trying to be careful with the grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Feeling as though I'm being graded makes me too nervous. I love to read some of the humorous stories posted. Especially when they make me giggle aloud. Some of the sad ones too. I feel sad along with the writers and shed a tear. There again, some topics can make me angry; and well, I simply have to pass on. I was told that I could treat the blog as an online journal, but do I want my thoughts and feelings exposed to just anyone? My thoughts tend to wander from one thing to the next before I've finished the sentence I'm typing. Then I have to go back and read it to see if I know what I'm talking about. It can get scary too. I don't always know. Some have told me to write short stories about others, but I don't think I am very good at "short". Do you? I looked at articles on how to write a great blog and found it about as helpful as spitting in the ocean. Oh great, the neighborhood dogs are all barking. I could probably write a page on that topic, but I don't want to offend pet owners. I like pets too! Just not those in this neighborhood. With the exception of "Miss Penny" the red dachshund. She minds her manners. There are even times, when I'm reading blogs or trying to come up with something to say in my own, that I feel like blogging is a "time thief". Is is productive? Could I be spending my time more wisely and purposefully? If I am sitting here virtually asking myself this question, I have already answered myself. Key question here is: Shall I listen to myself? I have been known to on occasion.

Be there. It's important. Sure it is. Yeah. Definitely. Can't wait. Any time. Right. Just name it. Named. Timed. Posted. Arrival. Something else. Now what? Thought. Anxiety. Decision. Yet. Can? Maybe. Uhmm? Should? Shouldn't? Could. Can. Would. Does. Excuses. Make them up. Maybe believe them yourself. More convincing.

Sometimes I just don't want to think. Mind numbing. Can you get it over the counter? I struggle with on going depression for which I've been on medical treatment for several years. I've seen the shrinks, psychologist, and therapist. They tell me mine is the kind that will never go away. I will need medication for the rest of my life. Yes, at one point I did try to take my life--actually twice that I'll admit. Two of my children have inherited my disorder. One much worse than the other. I've tried to not pet them and be an enabler to them. I want them to be stronger than me. I hate this affliction. I do not wallow in it and I do not throw pitty parties. And NO that is not what this is. Believe me, I know for certain what one is. Besides, who wants to go to one of those. I certainly don't. I attend church and I know God can "heal" all things. He has chosen not to do that so far. It's a battle every day. I get up and choose to overcome it. Then spend the rest of the day trying to keep that commitment. So to top things off, one day I come in on a conversation between Head Deacon and Pastor. They are discussing people who claim to have depression and take all these mind altering drugs. That got me hot under the collar, but I sat and smiled and looked totally absorbed in their conversation. When they had finished I asked if either of them suffered the condition? NO. I asked if either has a close family member suffering diagnosed with it? NO. That's interesting. WHY? I was wondering if you could tell me if my mind is altered. CERTIANLY NOT. Oh, well good. I was worried for a minute. You see I take one of those drugs you named. I have been diagnosed for several years with depression. NO, YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE SOMEONE DEPRESSED. Really? NO. Great then, my medications are working and I won't have to tell you guys my observations on your discussion!!!